My Meredith week 4 - 6 posted by

Sorry in advance for not really being sorry for spamming Meredith's pictures on my blog haha.

Everyone says that babies' newborn period last a very short while only and that we should enjoy it while it lasts.. Better, i'd enjoy it and snap videos and pictures of it keke. Wtf did i really just use "keke". Cox it's so gross, that's how i really feel.. Infatuated.

The last time i used "keke" i was probably flirtexting Josh when i was 17 yro LOL.

Now i feel a little shy (becox it's my production ma LOL), a lot overwhelmed and very much in love with Meredith. So.. Please don't mind me! O.O Don't even know why i explain so much.

Not like you all super wanna see my pictures instead hahaha!

Siao daddy making her into a Mermaid.. Haha. Never see before mermaid the hair so little one lol!
Yup, definitely a daddy's girl! Lying on daddy's chest..
Er.. Someone needs a haircut pronto. Lolol "Don't say me ah, i box you!"
"MOMMY PLEASE GIMMIE MILK PLEASEEEE" =___=" She always cry until machiam Josh and i starve her!!! Cannot wait one hor baby you!
Looking cute on somedays..
At some point of time in the day..
LOLOL and not so cute at other point of time.. HAHA. Damn old coffeeshop uncle hooligan lah this one.
"Yup, a lot of people told me i am goodlooking" LOLOL.
"Mommy, last warning" =O
One night she smiled at me for a long time =))) Sorry ah night time very dark my phone camera resolution not so good hahaha.
Next morning still very smiley =DD
This is her at one month old exactly!
One month old.. But still a daddy's girl. Hahaha!
Went to Thomson Medical for my post-natal massage.. Mainly to get rid of the remaining dirty blood clog in my uterus and to shrink the size of it lah.. Brought Meredith along to pop by Mrs Wong office!
Also the first official time i put on makeup since giving birth haha..
Took some videos of the session! You can watch the video embed at the end of this post!
Brought Meredith to the Punggol Riverside for a stroll after dinner!
The weather was superb.. But not like she cares haha!
Looking like a grumpy boss in her stroller. Bugger cannot appreciate good scenery and weather one hor lol.
Shower time with Biolane.. She always smell like a sweet pea after shower time!!!
Fatty ask you why you all call her fat. Lol. She wanna box people again!
Out to do my hair at Cleo Hairmake the other day!
Ask Josh how is Meredith at home.. He send me this picture hahaha! Er.. Fine but not so fine i guess?
Naughty girl!
Looking mischievous..
Someone just let her box please lolol. She always has this "I WANNA BOX SOMEONE" look.
Hello my little sponge you look very squeezable haha.
Went out shopping and used a nursing room for the first time! Hahah!

You can watch the video of random snaps i collected over the weeks haha.

Yup as you can see.. This is my life now.. Other than work.. It's all family and Meredith..

Soon enough hopefully i can add back in "friends" to my life..

And then soon enough i can add back in "SLEEP" in my life..

And then add back in shopping and leisure etc lol.

One thing at a time lah hor.. People who ask how Josh and i are coping.. All we gotta say is..

WE NEED MORE SLEEP. Haha. I would love just one whole day to sleep and wake up only when i want to O.O Josh say want the two of us to take a few hours off to go to a movie and leave the baby with Pearl for a while.

I think movie is a great idea, you know, for our couple bonding time and all.. But i am 100% affirmative that both of us will fall asleep at our seats, under the blanket.. LOL.

Which movie is showing now that last more than 8 hours? Please advise. Thanks. HAHAH.

This is me coming back posted by

Hello!!! Just had a really nice baby full month celebration for Meredith yesterday and i too, consider that my own celebration of me officially getting out of the whole post-pregnancy recovery thing.

Though post partum recovery is one long journey, i would know by now haha. I put on a total of 35 kg. So far i've lost 13kg from post-natal massage and body-shaping massage at Thomson Chinese Medicine.

Well i'm guessing the rest are all fats HAHA ohrbigood who ask me eat so much during pregnancy. So i'm starting my slimming endorsement in a few days. Heng ah if not i #foreverfatty

Somemore now all the younger bloggers damn competitive, DSLR picture quality, lip and brow game always strong lolol, and then every other day so happening go outdoor take nice pictures all.

I am not as hardworking but i credit myself to be enthusiastic about sharing my life as candidly as possible. So i'd just let you know, as i am typing this post, i just took my 5th crap of the day. I seriously lao sai until my legs soft and feel a bit light-headed already lol.

It's been going on for like 3 days. Until i am a bit skeptical to put food in my body. Cox i am quite sure within hours it will be churned out as LS. Lol. Actually it's a good problem to me since i am trying to lose weight but i just feel so dehydrated so i have to keep gulping water which makes me wanna go to the loo even more.


Did you read until here?

I don't know why you would be keen in my bowel movement lolol.

Anyway so i was saying.. I'm officially back to work! Actually before baby was two weeks i was already doing work liao lolol. Nuffnang is pretty efficient like that LOL. Actually is i tell my manager to schedule for me quickly becox the work is already piling up for the last 1 - 2 months!

I love my baby but i love my work a lot too! =))) Work is not even really work becox i love blogging and sharing about my life ^.^V I guess i have one of the best jobs in the world! Becox my work is about my life and my life fuels my work. So i guess now on, there's a lot more to share becox there's an additional little grumpy baby with a feisty character in my life now!

Also told my manager from Nuffnang that work is a super good distraction for me becox i simply cannot stay unhappy or brood over things that has already happened. So the day after i stop breastfeeding, i told my manager to schedule my work back to back.

SO YUP~!!!

This is me gearing up to be camera ready again hahaha. Once a camho, always a camho.

❤ ❤ ❤ Cleo Hairmake ❤ ❤ ❤
Central @ Clarke Quay Level 4
Tel: 6338 5250

First step is of course to pamper myself at Cleo Hairmake!!! Told Sio to give me a new colour that says "GOOD MUM" hahahaha. He was like ".......... Oh... Kay" then followed by his awkward laughter lolol. Then i say "But but but, fun also. GOOD BUT FUN MUM. Okay?" Lolol. My hairstylist probably wanna quit his job having to deal with stupid requests like mine.
Untangling hair that i haven't comb in more than a month. LOLOL.
After a niceeeee shiok head massage and shampoo session! This is me feeling all refreshed. Actually is also cox the head massage so shiok i took a 15 minutes nap haha.
Arigatou onni chan~!!! =DDD Sio is the best best best!
My new colour looks dark on first glance but it's actually lavender brown ash! Under the sunlight it's damn chioooo~!!!
This picture is out of focus so i don't have to edit at all haha. But lookie at my hair~ It flows so nicely~

This is one of the very few tops i could wear without looking like i bao ba zhang =(
But it's okay~! I can haz nice hair at least haha.

Thank you Sio~! Can always trust him to do a good job for my hair. But he needs to understand me even more lah haha. Initially he say he wanted to do a new ashy orange for me becox apparently it's one of the coolest trend now. I was like "Orange?! Omg i hate orange. Orange makes me want to vomit" LOLOL. My dislike for orange is real.

Under sunlight~!!!!! I LOVEEEE the lavender ash brown ends!!! It works from a charcoal ash down to lavender ash brown! New profile picture shall be this! Hahaha!
My top is from Lzzie!

Suddenly my face slimmer hor hahaha. Thank you Sio hahaha! I always tell him to make my face so small that it looks non-existent.

❤ ❤ ❤ Cleo Hairmake ❤ ❤ ❤
Central @ Clarke Quay Level 4
Tel: 6338 5250

Maybe this shall be the new profile picture instead lol. I can't decide cox my confidence is (sort of) back and i think all also very pretty lolol!

Okay lah!!! I am all good please don't worry about me!!! When i read back at my diary the first 3 weeks post-partum i also feel sad for myself lolol. No wonder almost everyone who sees me / text me to check on me told me to take it easy and to feel better.

Don't worry i am born optimistic and positive. I think.

Hahaha! SO LET'S MOVE FORWARD TOGETHER!!! You, me, Meredith.. And everyone in my life =)))


Feeling.. posted by

Hello! Thank you for all the encouraging comments on my blog and on instagram and for all the encouraging emails. I might not be replying to all of them but i read every single one. Thank you..

I feel a lot better after reading all the experiences from mothers who left me comments. Down to it all, i believe motherhood is really about balancing. How can i even talk about being a good mother if i keep falling sick and feeling depressed and crying every day and night.

Not that i magically have no bad feelings building up now that i stopped breastfeeding. It's just i feel a lot better and going with most of the advice people gave me, i'm thinking of what other things i can do for and with the baby =))) You guys stay positive for me when i am not, thank you.. =)

Today my therapist told me that every mum want only the best for their child and i shouldn't feel bad about myself becox i too would want nothing less than the best for my child but different mums have different capabilities so we can only try our best. And about how we have to be there for our baby for not just their newborn period but for a lifetime. So how can we be "there" to start with if we are not even mentally / emotionally stable.

To be very honest.. Even when i try to tell myself all of the above, they sound like excuses to make myself feel better haha but one thing for sure, we have to move forward.

Mich gave Josh and i a ride to go get a stroller cox the one i ordered and paid for online, from overseas, took a month plus to tell me they have to cancel my order. I super rage omg. So we had to settle for the least ugly pram with the least black hahaha.

Josh and i took her out to the garden nearby for a stroll and for some fresh air..

Baby you don't know yet.. But today was the first time you are out of the house in a pram ^.^ Mummy will be better for you..

I guess this is how my whole life will be until Meredith can decide for herself what she wanna do in life haha - Always feeling like i need to do better so that she doesn't miss out or feel like she lack becox i lack.

How come motherhood can give you this huge sense of achivement but at the same time give your confidence such a huge blow one ah? You achieve something so wonderful you should feel proud of yourself mah! But almost everything i do for the baby i need to second-guess myself one!

Can't wait for the time she can give me approval on what i'm doing right lol. Maybe only when she grows up to be a kind and healthy person then i will give myself that approval.

Alright, just wanna say THANK YOU. Especially to the people who love me anyway =') My husband, family, friends and supportive readers..

Why won't you love me back? posted by

Last 1 week plus was hard.

After i finally solved my breastfeeding issues with Mrs Wong, i was slowly settling in and was able to deal with what i have to cope.

But then a week ago i had a migraine attack for the first time since i got pregnant which was about 9 months ago.

For those of you who have been reading me, you could search for my migraine post, i can't link it here cox i am blogging from my mobile again. But anyway you'd have known that my migraine is a full blown shithole. Blind spot, stiff neck, nausea, numbness on limbs and tongue etc.. And i usually have it once every month. Or if i'm lucky, once every 2 months. And when it happens, i am as good as a handicap.

Now that i'm no longer pregnant, migraine is coming back with a vengeance. No joke. I had one last week, and then again 2 days ago and then again yesterday.

Each time i have it i break down and cry. Like WHYYYYY. WHYYYYY GOD.

I know i am having the M (don't wanna say it in word anymore) becox i am having too little sleep and in between becox i have to pump, i get disturbed sleep even with Josh taking the midnjght shift for the baby so that i could rest.

It's like i don't understand, i try so hard to make breastfeeding work.. Why does it give me new problem every other day..

I wanted it to work so much i even went to buy all these amongst other things..

Support cushion for baby to latch comfortably,the  lady told me it's the best in the market although it's a little bit more costly than the rest, she say it helps position the baby very well during breastfeeding. Shut up and take my money.

Nipple shield and niplette from AVENT. Lady told me it works like a nipple-puller and it will really help short nipples during breastfeeding. Shut up and take my money, again. Lol.

It's like i'm in a bad relationship but i have fallen so deep i refuse to get out.

First we had a rough start. Breastfeeding and i. It was simply a one-sided love, it seems like only i want it to work out. But we got together anyhow but there was no honeymoon period.

It constantly hurt me (physically) and my feelings. And sometimes when my baby has upset stomach / unhealthy stool i will blame my breastmilk T.T Which makes me feel like a horrible cow who possibly produce bad milk.

But i keep trying and trying, accomodating to all the demands just to continue my relationship with breastfeeding. But it keeps giving me new problems.

Why won't you love me, breastfeeding. Why?

Everytime i have a M attack, i just wanna breakup with breastfeeding and sleep in peace and just focus on caring for the baby with Josh. M handicaps me for hours and this family become one man down. Then Josh have to take on the duties of caring for two person.

On 2nd of April i woke up with tenderness on my right boob so i pump and then hand-expressed. Next session it didn't get better and it's very back-breaking to hand-express and aim for the container lol so Josh was helping me from the back. We squeezed quite a fair bit but still the soreness didn't go away.

Afternoon it developed into a hard block. I still try to pump and hand-express.. Didn't work..

At the same time becox Meredith was fussing so much at night and crying her lungs out every night, we went to see the peds.

Went to Dr Eugene Han at Thomson Medical. He really is the most patient doctor who listened to us and didn't try to get it over and done with ASAP.

In case you are wondering, i paid. It's a very difficult time so please don't leave me boh liao comments, thank you.

That's Meredith looking suspicious haha. Turns out she is gaining weight healthy and Dr Eugene Han offered us a well-rounded set of solutions to tackle her crying problem. From non-medical to medical. I am very happy now my baby is in good hands!

Our previous peds is at Paragon and the doctor is okay don't get me wrong. It's just i need someone who can really hear me out cox you know first time parent all very gan jeong one.

Anyway.. On the way to Meredith's checkup, i already realise i'm running a fever cox of the inflammed right boob.

Things escalated pretty fast and next i was having chills and bodyache.

Since we're at Thomson i walk-in to the 24 hour family clinic and got myself meds for my flu, cough, fever and inflammation of the boob.

But i'm actually very very distraughted by the fact that breastfeeding gave me yet another problem. So i ask for pills to stop milk supply just in case.

It hurts so bad not so much physically though the sore boobs was quite a bitch.

It's more like.. A mental torture. This gift i have to provide something good for my baby, that i tried so hard to make it work.. Is giving me so much problems that i might have to cut it off.. It's the struggle of taking away something good for your child OR live in misery.

It's really like a bad relationship. You want to make it happen but it's almost abusive haha. I kept tearing up at just the thought of stopping.

Back at home i tried to hand-express milk again and the milk was warm cox i'm running a fever right. My right boob was so sore and inflammed i wanted to die. So i started crying again T.T Damn emtionally unstable. Not sure anymore if i was collecting milk or tears in the container..

So i guess i had enough.. I don't wanna be in pain mentally and physically anymore. I don't want to have Josh so beaten up taking care of me and the baby, alone.

And this was it. So i took the pill and went to the kitchen to tell Josh i'm sorry.

He always assured me that breastfeeding or not, it doesn't bother him. And at this point he only tell me "It's okay. If you tell me now you wanna do it but you can't, i'd help you until you can.. But if you decided to stop, then just stop. I will support you either way. I just want you to be comfortable.." Him being so understanding make me feel even more touched T.T

It then dawn on me that.. All these doesn't matter anymore. I should see just how blessed i am.. With a husband who is covering both our shifts and didn't even complain. Who sleeps less than 3 hours a day but still finds the energy to cook for me everyday when i'm sick..

And i have awesome sponsor like Philips who provided me with the best baby products.. I was very touched by the care and concern they've shown me during this period when i'm breastfeeding.

When i finally decided to stop, i went to carry Meredith and sat by the window for some fresh air and sunlight.. And i felt really relieved. That now on.. I just have to focus on making my baby happy.

But i guess overall.. I need to be happy too. Crying everyday is just not my thing omg. Today on it's just me, Josh, Meredith and the people who love us.

No more crying and constantly falling sick and feeling sorry for myself. And with that i give up the special talent god give to almost all mothers in world..

Sorry baby, please know that i still love you. If not i would have given up on first day O.O For one, i am super duper afraid of pain hahah. 我真的很怕痛的!!!

That was the last bag of milk i manage to store.. I can't say i am feeling awesome about stopping breastfeeding becox now when the let-down feeling comes and my boobs leak milk even without me squeezing / pumping.. I feel sad.

Sad that i have given up, sad that i let the baby down. Sad that it didn't work out the way it should have. A lot of people think breastfeeding is a natural thing to happen. It is but it doesn't happen smoothly for everyone.

I was showering in the bathroom and there it happen again. My boobs were leaking. And then i cried in the shower for a good 10 minutes T___T Reminding myself of what i have lost..

Even in my dreams the last two days i kept dreaming of being able to pump milk again. Then i'd wake up with a shitty feeling of "it's all too late.. Why did i give up. I am shitty person"

What the heck you want, breastfeeding. I already broke up with you why are you trying to patch back with me haha. Please stop. I need to move on. You never really loved me anyway.

I am sorry i gave up. But i need to move on. I need to be happier.. I still need to be a mum even if i am not breastfeeding. I mean.. Being a mum is not just about breastfeeding, right? Right..?